When you become pregnant for the first time, you become part of the “inner circle” of mothers. At least I thought you did. I heard pregnancy and birth stories until I thought I couldn’t bear to tell anyone else I was expecting a baby. I received well-meaning advice about how to look after the baby once it was born. Others told me to enjoy my last few days of freedom as life would never be the same.
What no-one told me about was the unbelievable chasm into which I was about to fall. Possibly these comments made in passing were a coded warning as to what was to come. Either the pregnancy hormones made deciphering these warnings inconceivable or, more likely, I wasn’t listening because I was simply pregnant; I wasn’t actually a mother.
When you are pregnant, it is quite possible never to see beyond the birth. At least I didn’t. I went to parenting classes and learnt how to bath a baby and how to change its nappy, but I never really thought about what happened after the baby came out and was placed on my belly for me to gaze at adoringly.
It is only when you have a baby and begin the long journey to becoming a mother – even though you oddly become one instantly – that you hear from others about their actual experiences. It’s as if you have to have travelled the road yourself, albeit only a short way, to be invited to be part of the circle that is being a mother. You need to have experienced those early days – the sleep-deprivation, the endless round of feeding, nappies and chores, the isolation, the self-doubt, the moments of joy, the fear you would feel for your baby’s life, indeed all the things nobody told you about – in order to be able to sympathise with other mothers.
Since having my first baby I have come across so many mothers who felt the same. There were those mothers who always looked like they were in control, as if their baby had arrived in their house but life continued just the same as before. The rest of us gathered what strength we had to simply make it through the day, whether this involved trips out with the baby or just getting the washing up done at home.
To the latter, I want to be friends only with you!
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I’m definitely in the latter group.
Janey
Find me in the latter group as well. I completely understand the inability to KNOW that a baby will arrive at the end of a pregnancy. I’m still sucking on that. I look at him and wonder how I ended up with him and when will I feel he is mine. And my worst, worst thought…when will I love him more than my dog. Yikes. Don’t tell.
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