I feel like a little bit of the joie de vivre that I have been experiencing of late has been given a major blow from a supercilious mother who I had the misfortune to run into today. It was a subtle, didn’t-see-it-coming, below the belt kind of kick. The kind of barbed comment delivered with a smile to take the sting out of it.
Well I took it personally.
Let me explain. When we met some time ago we talked about, among other things, what we did before children. I explained briefly how I left a career in music to pursue a career in academia and then a career (ha!) as a mother (call it what you want, I say it’s a career move of sorts; maybe a career move into the gutter, but still a career move) the boredom of which I alleviate by blogging (but I won’t even pretend that that’s any sort of career move). I also said wasn’t it lucky and a bit weird how my blog was featured in a national newspaper, bringing me an instant audience? We also talked about what she did before having children, we talked about our husbands, our village and all the other things that you talk about when you’ve nothing really in common but have to fill the empty conversational space.
Today while picking up my son at nursery, I ran into Alice (as we’ll call her, because that’s her name) and I said that at last Eldest Son was finally settling at nursery. Alice said to me shortly after we struck up our idle conversation, “Aren’t you lucky? Everything you touch seems to turn to gold”. I thought she was being sarcastic. “Yeah, right”, I said, laughing. She looked at me and said earnestly, “no, no, I’m serious”. She might have said “OK, ya” at this point like the silly women in this village do but I won’t hold that against her. Much.
So still laughing I said “What do you mean?” and she said, “well, you know, you’ve been a musician, an academic, and now you take up blogging and within a couple of weeks you appear in a national paper. Everything you touch seems to turn to gold. Otherwise, some people (by which you mean you, you b**ch) might think that you had paid someone to get in the paper or something.”
Then the smile.
Right about now I stopped laughing. I felt pretty stupid.
She paused as if mulling this thought over and then said,
“But I suppose not everything can go right all the time WHAT WITH YOUR POSTNATAL DEPRESSION and everything. I mean, I suppose no-one can expect to be good at everything.”
By which she meant parenting. I felt sick in the stomach. I hardly know this woman.
She went on. “Look how long it’s taken little Harry to settle here. That’s got to be because of your PND, hasn’t it?”
I’m not usually short of things to say. But I couldn’t even muster a defence of any sort. What do you say to something like that?
Anyway, it’s been on my mind all day. What sort of f***ing thing is that to say? What planet has she been spun in from? Does having postpartum depression mean I am a bad mother? Of course not. I love my children more than anything and they are more important to me than anything. The only mistake I think I have made in this whole sorry mess is being candid about the problems I have been through. Stiff upper lip: that’s the line I should have taken.
I’ve been replaying the conversation in my head since this morning wondering what I said to get her so off-side. I can’t think of anything. Perhaps I said something in a former life and it’s coming back at me now. If I’d had my head about me I would have said: 1) Yes, I was a musician – I worked hard for that 2) Yes, I have an Ivy League background – I worked hard for that too 3) I didn’t pay anyone to be featured in the newspaper and I had a blog prior to this one so it wasn’t a case of getting some media coverage after blogging for only a week – and the article was about boring blogs, you cow 4) most importantly, I am the best mother to my kids EVER and I work damn hard at that and 5) I don’t even know why I feel I have to justify myself on any of these points. She won’t read this (unless she spends as much time as my mother did trying to find it on the internet) so I haven’t even had a proper right of reply (yet). But you can bet I will be better prepared if she ever says something similar again.
I’m not the only mother to have struggled with postpartum depression and to have struggled with the daily grind of bringing up two small children. I did have a pretty fulfilling life before children and although the sheer mundanity of chores (so many chores), nappies, tiredness and playgroups really gets me down, it is that side of life that I struggle with, not the parenting side of having children. I have never been bothered by the tantrums, the fighting, the screaming or the whining. Well OK, a bit, sometimes a bit more than a bit, but that doesn’t make me a lousy parent. My heart leaps with joy (what a ridiculous expression!) when I watch my babies sleeping. I can’t wait to bore everyone with the latest thing that one of my babies has learnt to do. Everything I do (except maybe the deed that landed me with children in the first place), I do with my children in mind. Actually, I probably even think of my children then, but only to hope that they don’t come running in. I’m so angry (but I bet you can’t tell!) that I’ve had a headache since I saw her.
I wish I felt better for having defended myself privately here but I really don’t.
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{ 5 comments }
Great post (sorry it happened to you though). It’s amazing how the act of giving birth appears to emblazon a kick me sign on one’s forehead. I’ve found that people have no qualms about saying the most rude and idiotic things to me now. Perhaps they feel safe in the assumption that with an infant in tow, one will not beat them into a deservedly bloody pulp.
Cheers
Jen
I think she sounds like a jealous whore. This is a pathetic nasty little attempt to make her life seem less crap by trying to make you feel insecure. Ignore her- you know you’re not a bad mother, your kids know you’re not a bad mother and everyone who reads your blog knows you’re not a bad mother. You’re an honest mother and maybe she feels threatened by that? Perhaps she feels that a succesful mother is one who stifles all her issues whilst slowly losing her mind and pretends all is tickety boo until one day her children turn out to be complete reprobates because she has driven them f***ing INSANE.
Shelley xx
First of all, congrats on making it into a paper!
Ya know, I was under the impression that when I became a mother that I would have instant and beautiful relationships with all other mothers. That was the absolute furthest thing from the truth that I could have imagined!
Some women are wicked and vile and having children just adds potency to their poison. I have found that playgroups especially are chock full of passive agressive comments. It’s like being in high school or some sort of elite social club.
Geez! Why can’t our children just get together and play without the mommies being snarky and rude to eachother?
I guess when you mix boredom with hormones and meds who knows what you’ll get! It’s easy for me to say, don’t let her get to you. But I’ve had mommy social troubles that I have lost sleep over and had horribly upset tummies over too. Maybe I’ll try this one…ah hem…Time will heal all. In a week you won’t even think about her anymore and when you see her again….kill her with kindness.
She sounds like a psycho. Stay well clear of her in the playground.
Sarah
I’m really sorry that you had to listen to crap like that from the jealous bitch this woman clearly is. She obviously has issues and chose to take them out on you, and probably plenty of others too. Take heart! We all know someone like her. There’s really nothing you can do with people like that. Ignore her.