We’re dressed and ready to go early. Harry is excited but I’m downplaying today, knowing that too much ‘high’ emotion often masks the worries and tears which will be bubbling just below the surface.
For the fifteen minute journey I talk about anything other than where we are going. ‘Look at the cows!’ I exclaim and three voices shout back in unison: ‘Moo!’. The baby’s fascination with anything and everything we see from the car thankfully keeps everyone occupied and Harry distracted. But as I park the car he says in a small voice, ‘I’m not so sure about this anymore,’ and I feel my stomach clench.
‘What? Not sure about parking here?’ I say, being deliberately obtuse. ‘Look, come on, it looks like everyone’s walking down the church path to get there,’ I say in my jolliest voice. My heart feels heavy – as I know his probably is – and I wonder how I am going to get through this without crying. I bite my tongue – hard – to keep my composure. It is crucial that he does not sense anything negative about today.
For the next ten minutes he is shown the ropes and then I take my cue and say goodbye. The tears drop down his face as he clings to me so I’m brisk and leave without any further delay. But when we get to the car I start to cry. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’ve let him down. Even though it was my choice to send him, it feels wrong. I promised to homeschool him and I couldn’t even manage that successfully. I know he will most likely be overwhelmed by the playground yet I’m still sending him, hoping that like most other five year olds he will find school fun (or, if not, at least tolerable) and he will make friends. I try to remember that almost every other parent sends their child to school every day without any problem but it doesn’t help. The trouble is, in my heart I know he is probably still school-phobic and it’s so hard sending your child somewhere they don’t want to be. I could willingly homeschool him if he was eager to learn but every day had become a battle. He wasn’t learning enough and I need to know that he is getting an education.
I don’t need the ‘freedom’ that comes with having all my children in school all day. And I miss him. But mostly the sense of disappointment at the circumstances that have led to him returning to school is the hardest.
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As for Harry? He probably forgot about me five seconds after I left.
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Oh Ella I don’t know what to say. I know how awful things were when you had to take Harry out of school and I know how hard the last few months have been for you. I don’t know how one makes a decision about what’s right for one’s children when faced with such difficulties on both sides. I’m so sorry that you felt you had to make such a decision. Hugs to you.
You DID manage to homeschool him successfully. And you may get the opportunity again. But for now, it sounds like school is the right place for him to get his education and I wish you both luck that he settles quickly and is happy.
{{{Ella}}}
I hope your epilogue is correct . . .
It sounds like you made the right decision, but a very tough one. You should definitely not consider yourself a failure at all! Please, you should meet some parents I have to deal with (too young, abusive, indifferent, mean, etc) and then we’ll talk!
Here’s some more (((hugs))). Don’t beat yourself up about it, you’re only trying to do your best – there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe you’re feelings will change as time goes on. I know the last year has been a bit of a blur for me with my wee boy, but now he’s nearly one and things are already so much easier than even a month ago. You have a lot on your plate and you’re only one person. Don’t try to be superwoman!
Ella,
Don’t be fooled. MOST parents have a horrible time with sending their baby off to school! I cried and cried when #3 went. We just, like you, put on a brave face.
Honestly, I barely know anything about you but I can positively say that you are a fantastic parent. Agonizing over decisions we make on behalf of our kids is a sure sign of it.
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