I catch sight of two dark streaks on the car window only to realise with horror that they are big black stripes under my eyes. As I peer more closely at myself, I realise how bloated I look by this pregnancy, how tired, fed-up. Shocked by what I see, I wonder if I scare animals and small children with how awful I look.
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As most pregnant mothers will testify, you reach a point in the pregnancy where the baby becomes less hard work to look after outside the womb than inside.
I have reached that point.
I still have ten weeks to go. (Maybe twelve if I go as overdue as I am expecting to.)
I am huge.
I am exhausted, more in a physical sense than in a sleep-deprived sense but a two year old toddler waking for an hour or more every night wanting to practice his chatting skills and a baby that wants to practice gymnastics in my stomach at regular intervals through the night may be making me more sleep-deprived than I realise (the big black war paint markings under my eyes being the tell-tale sign).
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Everything in life is ticking along nicely. But depression has crept up on me – an insidious, uninivited visitor over the holidays – coinciding with the Seasonal Affective Disorder that comes yearly during these dark, wintery days. My SAD lightbox shoots its sunshine rays at me every morning but it ain’t fooling my mind and it’s fighting a losing battle with the dark clouds inside my head.
For the first time I am beginning to wonder how I am going to cope with daily life when the new baby comes. I’m not sure if this is contributing to the depression or a symptom of it.
Every day is a struggle, mostly because the me-time I have is spent resting because I am so exhausted. I reach the end of the day and I feel not only have I achieved nothing of any consequence but I am just as tired as ever.
On the one hand, like a prickly hedgehog I want to go into hibernation, or failing that, curl up in a ball with my sharp spines protecting me from unwanted visitors. On the other, I desperately engage the grocery delivery man in conversation because it may be the only adult conversation I will see today.
I probably need treatment but I am frightened to take anti-depressants while pregnant, even though I know that research has shown that by not getting treatment I risk the psychological well-being of my other children. How’s that for mother-guilt? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
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At our last book club meeting a friend said to me wistfully, you’re so lucky. I know how much she wants a second child. It isn’t going to happen. I am lucky. I am grateful. I know that, but it doesn’t stop me feeling like I do.
I was talking about this with a friend before Christmas. She has four small children, admittedly two of whom are in school and one in nursery, but still, she has a workload. How do you manage? I asked, seeking reassurance that I, too, can manage. Mother’s little helper, she confided. Sometimes those who look like they have it all are the ones who, underneath, are struggling the most.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, Ella. I’m sorry you are going through this. I know there’s nothing I can say that can make the depression go away.
But I can remind you that you are loved — even by people like me, who live far away and have never actually met you in person.
And I can urge you to at least talk to a professional when it feels overwhelming. That may not make the depression go away either, but it can help you get through it until you can have medication you might need.
And remember, while it may be a nuisance, there’s no shame in taking meds for a health condition.
Ella, I’m so sorry to hear the depression has snuck in again. Please get treatment if you need it, and remember that a big group of us out here are thinking good thoughts for you. For what it’s worth (very little, given I only know you from here) I think the worries about how you will cope are a symptom more than a cause of the depression. You have coped with a lot; you will continue to cope, as long as you are healthy.
What she said and what she said. Hang in there, and remember these difficult years are over before you know it. And keep writing, it will help get some of it out of your system.
I guess I am not having more kids (have just the one) for this very reason. I didn’t suffer from depression, but was apparently very hard to live with, during my daughter’s first years. So much so, that my partner is actively opposed to us having a second child. I can’t really blame him, because I know that I’ve forgotten much of that year.
But if the medication helps, then why not take it?
Have you thought of trying natural therapies?
Especially if you are overtired your emotional balance is going to be right out. I have had accupuncture through two of my pregnancies, relating to hayfever for the first one and just to boost my system for the second. My accupuncturist could tell my blood was weak (or something like that) from reading my pulse and I suggested it was because I’d had a miscarriage in 2006 and she gave me herbs to take to help. She suggested that it’s common to end up with PND when you don’t have enough blood for yourself, according to chinese medicine.
I’ve probably explained that all very poorly compared to a chinese medicine practitioner, as I don’t remember all her terms, but I figure if your not happy with the obvious solution, which in your case is medication, find something you can be happy with.
That’s how I ended up having accupuncture when I was pregnant with our second child and I was spending every day sneezing, and crying from extreme hayfever.
Poor you, I hope the lightbox starts kicking in soon… I know you know this already but the evidence from a very large body of women taking SSRI’s thoughout pregnancy has not been shown to have many detrimental effects in pregnancy. I was on a course recently where we heard from a gynaeologist from a large teaching hospital with quite a lot of experience. He didn’t recommend paroxetine as there is some evidence of problems in early pregnancy and he said that 30% of babies of mothers on fluoextine and paroxeting tend to be jittery in the first couple of days and it is thought they might be withdrawing… So they recommended citalopram or sertraline generally. There is a small risk of one more serious complication that he recommended discussing with a knowledgable practitioner (ie him I guess)… but oiverall he was definitely more pro than anti. Where necessary obviously.
But it’s easy for other people to suggest things and hard when you have to be the one to make the decision. I know that. i don’t mean to sound like I’m saying “do this or do that”. And I think that your fears sound like symptoms rather than causes.. But I do wish you could find a wonderful au pair to come and make life easier for the first few months after this one’s born…
Thinking of you.
I don’t know if many women make it through the babyhood of their children without some form of depression…I just don’t think we get the help we need and a lot of it comes down to that. I pray this is a better week for you. I would come babysit if I could!! And I would bring you plenty of chocolate. I know it always makes me feel better…
Gosh it’s tough, isn’t it? My four range in age from 13 to (almost) 5 and I feel like I am just becoming myself again. It is hard to constantly give so much of yourself away every day — yes, worth it, blah, blah — but difficult nonetheless.
Here’s to hoping those blues go away and you see the sunshine.
Pregnancy can be beautiful and hard experience at the same time. The depression, weariness and dark thoughts are very common conditions during this time. But when the little one shows up and you hold him, it all fades away!:)
So so tough. You’re right about the damned if you don’t, damned if you do attitude. I came off anti-depressants because I was scared they would harm the baby even though they said they were safe. It’s hard to know what to do.
I’m hoping that you’re feeling better since you wrote this post.
Thanks, I am doing much better these days.
I do have similar concerns if I were to have another baby though and I’m not sure what I would do. It’s interesting to hear how others have dealt with a similar situation.
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